First

Somehow I always fail to write anything meaningful here. I'd love to thought. And it's not like I have nothing to say. Maybe this first post will be the last, or you have to wait a year and a half until I get this sentimental again. Perhaps I will even be embarrassed about it when you say something nice about it. And perhaps I won't even make it public. As I used to... But maybe the time has come.

I want to share something of myself. I'm not sure why there is such a longing placed in us towards helping others. But I'm sure that it is there. so...

I am happy. In the most perfect and fullest meaning if the word. Why? A good old proper vegan enthusiastic would say this lifestyle made her free. As for me, happiness appeared in me before and it was in fact well after I converted that it became more and more true about my life. The reason of my happiness is not the piles of fruits and veggies I eat in a day, it is not the hours of workout I accomplish in a week.

I have been this way, I have been happy all along. At least I considered myself that always. But when I look back I think it is now that I am at my best. And that's ok. This means I tried to stay positive all the time. When I couldn't, I made myself believe I was ok. This means I am capable of change, of the improvement of my character, capable of willing.
This subject is so complex  It means a variety of thing to each of us. I'm still talking about happiness. Some of us never said a word about being happy whereas they constantly are. Some say it several times a day but never  really feel it. There are people who aren't happy and never declared the opposite either, and finally there are some of us who only differ from the first category in being able to articulate what they experience. See? We have such a diversity of ideas about it, we perceive it differently... Anyways...

Back to living a healthy lifestyle. Does it even affect happiness? It does. When I started living this way I felt like the whole world was mine. It turns out this "healthy world" started to own me. 
So in the beginning, when I started to really get into it, I was passionate about making changes. And it was ok like that. All the positive results motivated me even more. This, however, only lasted until the first time I fell off the wagon and eaten of the "forbidden fruit"( see what I did there? Haha)
Disappointment. In myself. Weakness. Giving up. Self-condemning.

I used to always say I love eating raw, because it allows me to eat only the amount I need and doesn't dictate. Turns out this wasn't exactly true either. Or just partly true. I don't know... Of course my addiction to eating got better, of course transitioning helped...
The truth is that there is an insanely long road which led me to understand that everything,
all the veggies,
veganism,
pilates, 

running,
all natural beauty products,
quitting makeup,
all the fruits,
saving animals,
my health,
my body,
the health of others,
all my opinions,
my convictions,
my experiences,
my feelings,
the conviction of others,
all the medical researches and facts,
my proof... all of it comes second. 

And I have not yet arrived to the end of this road.

*Love has to come first. Relationships. With God, with yourself, with your partner in life, with your family, your friends, with those who you don't even know. Stability. The truth. Your aspiration of knowing God. Self-knowledge. Happiness. Life.

They all have to come first. You need to live. And if your eating habits don't let you live, quit them and make a change. These habits may be extremely religiously "healthy" or simply clearly very unhealthy. Either way, they restrain you. Addictions. They don't let you live. If you feel freedom during running, go and do it, but if you do it only because you are that desperate to loose weight, don't! On the other hand, don't say you have freedom in eating those chips. There is weakness, laziness and freedom. You know too well that these are different.
All I can say is that clean eating and exercise helped me. I would recommend it to any of you who feels empty, not content and has enough of depending on food. But do not make this your new distraction from life and your true self. Do not bury yourself in it. Do not overdo it.

Be free enough so that you can choose to live healthy, which really is just secondary, First, you have to...*